The Generic Villain on Evil Monologues

Here to talk you through the evil monologue, our very own Generic Villain!

Evil monologues. Don’t we all love them? It’s a chance to show off our superiority, our gift with words, and our cunning plans. Besides, who doesn’t like to chew up the scenery a little?

But they’ve gone wrong so often that every guide to villainy tells you the first rule of the evil monologue is “Don’t do it.” Is it true? Do we really have to forsake our evil monologues?

Hams of Darkness, rejoice; you need not leave your evil monologues behind. You just need to learn how to use them to your advantage.

We all know the basic rules: Ensure the protagonist is properly restrained, and that any pesky animal companions are neutralized. If you possibly can, avoid delivering your evil monologue until your plan has already been put into play. Keep a close eye out, since if there is a way for an evil monologue to be inconveniently interrupted, odds are it will be. And be careful who you monologue in front of, as people you’ve recruited to your side often have second thoughts when they hear your true plans.

Now for some more advanced techniques.

Inexperienced Hands of Darkness often use their evil monologues to stall because their plans aren’t quite ready. Needless to say, it almost invariably fails—but that doesn’t mean you can’t stall with a monologue, just that you can’t stall by monologuing. At least, not by monologuing and expecting them to just sit there and listen to you.

So if you’re in a situation like that—lie. We don’t have to worry about honor codes; we’re evil. Deliver the greatest monologue of your life, chewing up the scenery and scattering maniacal laughter like it’s going out of style, —about a complete and utter red herring. Convince them that that side project you abandoned ages ago, or the death-trap you created back during the Redshirt Revolution is your current key to world domination. Then watch as they break free, like the narrative demands, and go deal with this dangerous threat to their very world. And while they’re doing that, you can finish your real project in peace.

If they’re getting used to lies, switch it up even more. Tell the mostly-truth. Tell mostly lies. Occasionally let slip real clues. Shake it up; make it so they have to listen just to make sure they don’t miss anything. Keeps them on their toes.

If your heart’s set on stalling with an evil monologue, just change what you’re stalling for. Protagonists often humor us for part of the monologue, since it gives them time to get their people in place to attack you. Why not do the same? Make them think you’re completely taken with your own oratorical skills, let them get secure in the knowledge that you’d never interrupt your own evil monologue… and then, henchmen attack.

And why would we necessarily need to stall, anyway? The protagonists spend a lot of time bolstering their followers’ resolve with their oratory; why can’t we do the same. Let your evil monologue be an inspiration to your minions; let them feel, just for a moment, that they too are invincible. Show them what it means to not know fear!

So don’t discard the evil monologue just because it doesn’t work as originally intended. Change it, work with it, and make it just as much of a tool as it is a work of art. Go ahead; indulge yourself. It’ll be worth it.

Trackbacks / Pingbacks

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