The Generic Villain Addresses the Audience

My contract usually forbids this sort of blatant hinting and fourth-wall pounding, but the Management’s busy applying to library school; she won’t notice a thing, and even if she is paying attention, I’m pretty sure she won’t care. So let me make a couple of things clear.

One: I’ve been doing this regularly for two years and change. At one short essay worth of evil advice per week, that is a LOT of purely academic evil. Add to this the fact that the Management generally avoids things with villains that make fools of themselves and thus are left wide open to serve as inspiration if not outright illustrations, and it gets hard to keep churning these things out. Ideas don’t just pop fully-formed out of minions’ heads, after all! (For one thing, well, minions. For another thing, the few times they do, the medical bills for reconstructing the skull are astronomical.)

Two: Strange though it may sound given my masters and the altruism associated with the job, I am qualified as an advice columnist. I don’t consider you people my rivals; I’m mostly retired and attempting to further the cause of the Dark Powers as filtered by their need to uphold Dramatic Necessity. Short version is, it is in my interest to help you people, not just because it helps the Cause but because it gives me something to write about (see Point One) rather than just throwing out generalities. I even do backlinks, if you want them—you’d be amazed by how intriguing a good plan that just needs a teensy bit of going over can be.

The point of all this is simple: for the love of the Dark Powers, ask me some blasted questions! It’s what I’m here for!

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