The Generic Villain vs. the Evil Overlord List, Items 60-69

The Generic Villain continues a point-by-point facedown and update of that reference material of all baddies with imperial ambitions, The Evil Overlord List.

60. Don’t use any code or password that the five year old child adviser can break in under 30 seconds. I really have nothing to add to this.

61. Either have an answer to “Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?”, or don’t do it. There’s not much I can add to this, either.

62. Don’t design hallways with alcoves or protruding supports that the enemy could use as cover in a firefight. This is a good point—but what happens if your people need something to use as cover because they’re the ones defending a hall the heroes are coming into?

63. Dispose of trash in incinerators, and keep them hot, not gouting flame at regular intervals. Not much more I can say here, either. Some things never change.

64. See a psychiatrist and get cured of phobias and compulsive habits. Good plan. Let me add one thing, though: just in case the psych gets compromised, don’t let them find out they’ve successfully cured you. Then, if it’s known that you had the phobias and habits, pretend to have them anyway. That way, you know the heroes are going to try to exploit them, and can take advantage of it.

65. Maps on publicly available computer terminals will indicate the execution chamber as the main control room and the main control room as Sewage Overflow Containment. The principle is good. Since the List has been out for so long, though, I’d suggest using different names, just in case you get a hero with Savvy.

66. Make your security keypad a fingerprint scanner, so it sets off alarms if someone else pushes the buttons in the appropriate order. Yes. …but I would suggest making it a silent alarm, and on those keypads where it wouldn’t screw up security too badly, let them through—into an antechamber which can contain them until your minions arrive, or possibly even serve as a deathtrap.

67. Every security camera malfunction should be treated as a full-scale emergency, no matter how common they are. Yes. And if they’re common, seriously, find out why. And get a better electrician.

68. Spare someone who saved your life in the past—but only once per time they saved yours. Sounds like a good strategy to me.

69. Ban midwives, and ensure babies are born at state-supported hospitals instead; foster orphans, don’t have them abandoned in the woods somewhere. All right, now we’ve got something I can refine. First thing, I don’t think banning midwives really helps that much, even if you do expect to need to have a child of destiny killed at some point. Better to just have all of them in your pocket instead; scholarships and training are a good start. Issuing them ‘bodyguards’ to keep tabs on them as well as defend them (people die in childbirth a lot, why take the chance of a bereaved spouse trying to take revenge, right?) would likely serve you better. Likewise, with the orphans in the foster homes, make sure the home is of reasonable quality. Abused, fostered orphans are a common demographic among heroes, well-adjusted orphans in good homes less so, and won’t you have a little extra influence if the government is known for swooping in and saving orphans from abusive foster homes on those occasions when the family sneaks past quality control?

2 comments

  1. Philo Pharynx says:

    Re #62 – design triangular pillars to give your people maximum coverage but an invader less protection.

    Re #67 – have big obvious security cameras with blinking red lights. And subtle cameras without lights that include the obvious cameras in their viewing angle. Include time/date stamps on your footage to avoid looping.


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